♪ I would really love ♪
♪ to see you naked, baby ♪
♪ I would love to see you ♪
♪ tremble with delight ♪
♪ I would love ♪
♪ to come inside your window, baby ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ah, sexy ♪
♪ I could take you on a very sexy ride ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ girl, I want it ♪
♪ all day every day ♪
♪ so give me ♪
♪ your touch ♪
♪ it's sucha rush, boy ♪
♪ When it comes to making love ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ girl, you know you're so sexy ♪
You go, girl!
Yo, man, you still got those fucking allergies?
Fuck you, man.
Hey, look at the little baby angel Dyke.
What is that?
I don't want any trouble.
I asked you what that was. Can I have an answer, please?
Excuse me.
♪ I could rub you underneath ♪ ♪ the covers, baby ♪
♪ I'd love to ♪
Fuck this. I'm out of here.
♪ Forever, baby ♪
♪ baby, let me, ooh ♪
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm OK.
OK.
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ girl, I want it all day every day ♪
♪ So give me your touch ♪
♪ it's such a rush, boy ♪
♪ when it comes to making love ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ girl, you know you're so sexy ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ sex-sex-sexy ♪
♪ sexy ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, all night ♪
♪ all night ♪
Oh, yummy. Give it up for Maggie
from ten percent books,
making her lip-syncing debut here tonight at the cat's ass.
And remember, girls, she is single.
♪ All night ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, all night ♪
♪ all night ♪
Ten percent books.
Honey?
Ten percent.
Margaret?
Mom?
You know, I've just had this terrible letter
from the university.
It was addressed to you,
so I opened it, and it's confirmation of your...
of your withdrawal from school.
I mean, I, um...
I thought you wanted to be a lawyer.
That was...
I've been trying to track you down for days.
So, uh...
So, what's up?
Mom, yes, well, I decided it was time
I learned about... Life...
From, uh, life.
And, uh...
I've got a really wonderful apartment.
In a really...
Interesting part of town.
Uh-huh.
It's big,
and it's cheap.
An apartment?
Really, and it's, um, it's big?
Because...
Oh, well, the reason I called
is because, um...
Michael and I are getting a divorce.
Finally?
I mean...
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just, you know,
kind of at my rope's end
about where we were gonna go, but...
I mean, if the apartment is as big as you say,
then Paul and I could come and stay with you.
I know it's gonna be hard
'cause he's gonna have to transfer.
Transfer? What do you mean?
Is there a high school near you?
No. I... I don't know.
Anyway, I have to call the bank.
And I'm gonna put the, uh...
Furniture in storage.
And then we'll be there on Friday.
OK? Thank you, Margaret. Thank you, sweetheart.
We'll see you soon. OK, bye-bye.
She's coming here...
To live with me.
No, no, no, no, no, she isn't.
This is my bookstore, where you work
and where I let you sleep on the sofa
in the back until you find a place,
which will be very soon,
because your mother's not coming here.
Try the sublets.
And tell your mother you're fucking queer
before somebody else does.
4 weeks only, then I'm back.
I'm gonna leave all my stuff.
You got a problem with that?
Oh, I'm sleeping on the couch where I work...
it's a long story.
I don't want to come back to any surprises.
Where are you going?
I'm off Thursday,
on the love that latex safe sex tour.
Oh.
I'm giving safe sex demonstrations
from Tuktoyaktuk to Yellowknife.
So, you want to take it?
You saved my life.
What... what titles?
I don't know.
They are holding up my fucking books
at the fucking border again,
and they won't even tell you what fucking titles?
These people don't fuck. That's the problem.
If any of those idiots from customs call,
I'll be on the phone
to the civil liberties association.
This is gonna ruin me.
Good morning.
Did you find a place?
Yes.
You did?
Yes.
Good.
Customs held up another order of books
at the border.
They're claiming the books are pornographic.
Hello! Which they aren't.
Well, maybe butches in chains is.
But so what?
You were great the other night at the club.
I didn't know you were looking for a place to live.
You could stay with me.
I've got some new toys.
5-speed vibrator,
magic eggs,
Clit-titious dancer.
No, but thanks.
Ouch. It's the plight of the bisexual.
Gay girls won't play with you.
You're not bisexual, Carla. You're omnisexual.
You're like that tornado in the wizard of oz,
sweeping up everything in your path.
You need to let go more.
Yep, that's me.
Letting it all hang in.
Oh, Carla, my mother and brother
are coming to stay with me,
and I don't want you to frighten them,
all right?
Promise?
Promise.
Hey, Maggie!
Hey, can you believe she's never been
in my coffee shop?
Tell her how great it is.
Hey, come on, I just got here.
I haven't been anywhere.
Come on,
tell her how great it is. Fuck.
It's great.Fuck.
Yeah, see?
Can I take a peek?
Oh, no, no, no. Could you maybe
just add a little bit more hair up top?
I mean, what is art all about, right?
Illusion.
Well, to quote whistler, a successful picture
is the thrust, movement, counter movement,
and final equilibrium of forms
and colors in pictorial space.
Which means...
More hair.
Yeah, just a little bit.
There.
Finished?
Done.
Minchia, Maggie.
Is that a good-looking guy, or what?
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do with this?
Gonna hang it up in my cafe.
I don't know, I'm thinking maybe you come in,
I give you free cappuccinos.
Yeah, it sounds great.
It's, um, still $20for the picture, though.
OK, free coffee for a month.
Do I look like I'm anywhere
for a month?
OK, with the coffee, you get my homemade grappa.
Real kick, 100%.
100% what?
100% kick.
Trust me.
See you, Maggie.
Bye, Tony.
Sit down.
I don't have 20 bucks.
Who does?
Sit.
I'm Kim.
Maggie.
Wow. You have beautiful eyes.
Really?
Yeah, really.
So, um...
Great van you've got there.
Yeah, I'm living out of it.
I'm doing that on the road thing.
But, um...
I'm not in any rush.
You want to go for coffee?
OK, here we go.
Excuse me.
Try it.
Oh, my God.
That's not a kicker.
That's a one-two punch.
That'll put hair on your chest.
Let's see this.
Hey, Felipe, you want to wash these glasses here?
What am I supposed to serve these things in, anyway?
You're good.
You can tell a lot about a person
from sketching them.
There's problems with your mother.
Issues about higher education.
Mmm.
Single.
That's uncanny.
I asked around.
And, um, you, um...
Have someone?
No.
Oh, hey, sorry.
It's my mother.
Where?
No, not here. Um...
My mother and brother are coming for a visit on Friday.
Today is Thursday.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Maggie!
What are you doing? There's no kissing.
No kissing here. You want to kiss,
so someplace else.
Fuck, I got families coming in here.
I saw you and that girl last week,
Tony, on the coffee bar.
Hey, I'm a man, she was a woman.
That's different.
What about hand holding?
Is hand holding OK?
Ha ha ha ha. That's funny.
Get out.
I am out.
Yeah, just go, OK?
Lips.
I'd ask you to come home with me,
but I haven't got one yet.
Well, uh...
There's always my place.
Ooh, nice.
♪ It's fantastic ♪
♪ I can hardly think it ♪
♪ I heard that it could be, ♪ ♪ but not for me ♪
♪ It's like taking a trip ♪
♪ and not losing anything ♪
♪ it's like going out ♪
♪ and not having to pay ♪
♪ it's seeing a show ♪
♪ and not hearing the whispers ♪
♪ It's me loving you ♪
♪ and you loving me ♪
♪ they were wrong ♪
♪ oh, and it's all right ♪
♪ I'm not in trouble with anyone ♪
♪ It's like taking a trip ♪
♪ and not losing anything ♪
♪ it's like going out ♪
♪ and not having to pay ♪
♪ it's seeing a show ♪
♪ and not hearing the whispers ♪
♪ It's me loving you ♪
♪ and you loving me ♪
♪ I... ♪
♪ I had you with me ♪
♪ for so long ♪
Ohh!
Aah!
Oh, my God!
Hang on!
125 bucks.
Oh, great.
So you're just gonna leave it here
with all your stuff in it?
What choice do I have?
God, I've never been anywhere.
Northern Ontario was boring.
Straight from high school to residence.
My mom insisted.
Oh, but the prairies,
they were great.
Hot, very, very hot.
And I hit all the folk festivals.
And did, like, 10 portraits a day.
Paul, honey, speed limit.
Erotic paintings?
Yeah, but first I put the paint on the person.
On the person?
Yup. Oh.
Where are we going again?
Um...
Just a minute. Let me look.
'Cause I wrote it down...
On a piece of paper.
Oh!
Do you want a chocolate?
Hey, I got a plane to catch.
Don't forget to water the plants.
OK. See ya.
Wow.
This place is great.
You like it?
Yeah. Very cool.
I don't know.
I don't think my mom's gonna like it very much.
Ohh, I gotta sit down.
What are you doing?
Better homes and dildos.
My mother's coming.
I'll take them down tomorrow.
Mm-hmm. You better.
♪ You're a wild one ♪
♪ I like your smile ♪
♪ you do amazing things ♪
♪ and I can't believe you're everything ♪
♪ You've got perfect fingers ♪
♪ A perfect voice ♪
♪ your eyes hold the key ♪
♪ and I can't believe ♪
♪ you can see ♪
♪ please hold me ♪
♪ please know me ♪
♪ and know everything ♪
♪ everything ♪
Ooh!
♪ Do you understand ♪
Mmm.
♪ You're a wise man ♪
♪ I feel happy when ♪
♪ you talk about most anything ♪
♪ With those perfect fingers ♪
♪ You touch my heart ♪
♪ and you give me strength ♪
♪ when we're apart ♪
♪ please hold me ♪
♪ please show me ♪
Maggie!
Jesus!
Turn it off!
Come on, open up.
It's your bro, Paul!
Paul, do you see anyone?
Yeah, mommy-o, this is the place.
I don't think she's here.
Let's go get something to eat.
Margaret!
Ohh!
Your mother?
Why would anybody be living here?
Are you sure this is the right spot?
I don't do family reunions so well.
I'm gonna go out the back door.
No!
Well, then, what are you gonna tell your mother?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Or maybe a big fat lie.
Margaret!
Hi, honey!
Paul, she's here!
Margaret!
Mom!
Oh, baby!
My gosh! Oh, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. I know we're early.
Paul was driving.
Oh, well, you know. Hey, Paul.
Hey, sis, what's going on?
Good to see you.
I'm wet.
Oh, mom, this is Kim. Paul, Kim.
Hello, Kim. Nice to meet you.
Hi. Nice to meet you. You OK?
Yeah. Oh, what a climb.
So this is it, huh?
Welcome. Home sweet home.
It's big.
You're right.
Goddesses.
I noticed that your goddesses
are all so young and nubile.
Rather like the person
your stepfather's been having his affair with.
Haven't you heard of the Venus of Willendorf?
Goddesses...
Have large, sagging breasts
that have suckled ungrateful children
and deceitful men.
Would anyone like a beer?
Yeah. I'd love one.
Beer?
Beer? Yeah, I'd love one.
Beer? Don't you have any wine?
No.
Mom.
So, um...
I thought you could take the bedroom,
and, Paul...
You could bunk down in the hall,
and Kim and I could just bunk down
in the back room.
Kim is just staying for a...
While.
Short time.
Yes, I know what a while is.
♪ I cannot think like this ♪
♪ I cannot explain this ♪
♪ and I really don't want to ♪
Night, mom.
Night, honey. Sleep well.
All set?
So, you're working in a discount bookstore, huh?
I am?
Oh!
Ten percent.
Well, got everything?
Night, mom.
Well, good night.
♪ No one would hear this ♪
♪ I guess I'll shut my mouth ♪
♪ And rethink a minute ♪
♪ but I can't shut my mouth ♪
♪ 'Cause there's something in it ♪
Oh, sorry.
Could this be love?
Shh. Oh, my God.
Shh.
Hmm. Must be love.
There's no other reason
that we'd be putting ourselves through this.
Shh.
Stop it.
Shut up.
Come on, Maggie. She knows.
No. That would never occur to her.
Please.
No.
But if she did know,
she would never let me know that she knew.
Really?
Well, maybe if she knew,
she'd give us the bed.
♪ Bring me to the end ♪
♪ 'cause I'll be back again ♪
♪ Make the night as safe as you can ♪
Shh.
♪ Tell me that you need ♪
♪ something I can give ♪
Uhh!
Shh.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
♪ Tell me that you need ♪
♪ something I can give ♪
Oh, shit.
Shh.
Never mind.
You're an animal.
Good morning.
Shouldn't you be in school or something?
Yeah, I start Monday.
Then I write my scholarship exams.
Unlike you, I will get to law school.
So, um, what happened?
Why are you and mom here?
Mommy-o's broke.
Broke?
Michael's a corporate lawyer.
He prints money.
Michael's been getting a little exercise
from his partner's wife.
From Sandra,
the tequila slushy queen?
Yeah, for a year. I mean, she...
She had no idea.
Oh, God.
Poor mom.
Oh, God.
I don't need another window display.
I need a lawyer.
Little red riding hood?
What is going on with customs?
Little red riding hood and the big bad wolf?
That Little Red Riding Hood?
Do we stock that book?
A customer ordered it for her niece.
They're trying to ruin me.
Customs. That's what it is.
Attention, shoppers.
I got a letter from my father today.
The same father who told you to drop dead? That father?
Yes. No. Well, what I mean is,
his lawyer wrote me,
and he says my parents are gonna buy me a condo,
so that after the surgery,
I'll have someplace to go, you know,
to recuperate, to have some sense of security.
I mean, wow.
Not a word from them since I told them...
nothing in 2 years... and now this.
They miss me.
I'm gonna write them
and invite them up for a housewarming party.
Please, buy the condo and move my mother in.
How is your mom?
And I see you have a new friend.
Whoo!
Whoo.
Yeah.
Kim is...
Staying with me.
Yeah...
And her mother and her brother.
Mmm. Sounds complicated.
Well, you know, I have an extra room.
This is Carla...
And Judy.
Hi. It's nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
So, I was thinking of the heritage peak condos
they're putting up down the street.
I mean, do you think your mom and I could live there?
Cheap and tawdry goods masquerading as quality.
Comme moi.
I'll be a heritage homo.
Frances,
now that I'm almost a woman
of almost means,
I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to go out with me sometime?
Well, you know, um,
oh...
Gosh, I'm really, really busy. Ahem.
There's practically a war on here.
Excuse me.
You can run, but you can't hide.
So...
Have you told your mother about your honeymoon yet?
No.
I want her to leave.
I don't want to kill her with the shock.
Come on, she can take it.
Parents can be very resilient.
What does she do all day?
Shop, cook, clean, decorate.
Hmm.
She sounds lonely.
Hi.
I'm Judy. Is Maggie home?
Oh, um...
Gee, she's not.
You know, she and Kim went out again.
Oh. I brought her these as a housewarming gift.
Well, for all of you, really.
Well, how lovely.
I'm... I'm Lila.
I'm Maggie's mother.
Nice to meet you.
And you're...
Judy. Maggie's friend Judy.
Just think of me as the welcome wagon.
Well, welcome.
Would you like to come in?
Yes. Thank you.
Boy, it's quite a climb, isn't it?
Oh. I almost got an aneurysm.
And here...
And here.
Oh, lovely. Thank you.
And cheers.Cheers.
Welcome.
Mmm.Mmm.
You know, I just love that shirt.
Thank you. I do my best with my limitations.
It's so hard to find nice things to wear
when you're my size.
Oh, you should be proud of your size...
so strong and so striking.
I think the word you're looking for is "enormous."
Exotic.
Thank you.
I just wish Maggie had some of your sense of style.
Oh, no, Lila.
Maggie's... Maggie's lovely.
She's very clever, you know.
Yes. Yes, she is, but...
What is going on with her these days?
Mmm.
You'd have to ask her that, Lila.
So, there is something going on?
Oh, well, she's 19.
There's always something going on when you're 19.
More wine?
Did you ever wake up one morning
and feel that everything in your life was wrong?
Mmm.
Because I woke up one morning last month,
and...
And I know this sounds silly,
because, you know, housewives...
Excuse me. Homemakers,
as we're now called,
aren't supposed to have existential crises.
Oh...
I think homemakers
have existential crises all the time.
Well, I found out
that my husband had been having an affair.
Oh.
And it had been going on for more than a year.
A year? That's a long time.
I had the choice right then
to either carry on...
Or break it up.
Oh, my goodness. You're easy to talk to.
Oh.
Here's to strong women.
To strong women.
God loves you.
Hey, I'm busy here.
Jesus loves you.
Thank you.
Can you still read "die, Dyke, die,"
or do you think
I've finally gotten it all off?
Uh-uh.
Ohh.
Ahh...
Hey, Maggie, you know, we never used to have graffiti
around here... never.
Yeah. I think it's my window displays.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Maggie, first it's graffiti,
then they start breaking windows,
then God knows what's next.
Certain people,
you don't want to attract their attention,
capisce?
Capisce.
Hey, I don't need people writing "Dyke"
on my coffee bar, all right?
Do I look like a Dyke to you?
Come on.
You're riding shotgun.
Where are we going?
Customs, baby.
Ooh.
Hey, hey, hey!
Who's supposed to clean this shit up now, huh?
Excuse me. Yes?
Can you direct me to Mr. Marcus' office?
Downstairs, turn right.
You see, buildings like this are actually designed
along the lines of a rationalist conspiracy.
The thing is not to be bamboozled,
just know where you're going and go there.
I am so sorry.
Aah!
Don't ask.
Oh, boy.
The books have been classified as obscene
and will not be allowed through the border.
Now, if I can just get you to sign here...
Little red riding hood is obscene?
Well, we... we thought that was something else.
I'll bet you did.
Our mistake.
However, titles such as...
The lesbian s-m virtual sex manual
and a guide to a...
ahem.
Anal safe sex
will remain here with us.
Something to read on those dark, lonely nights.
If I could just get you to sign here, here, and here and here,
you can have little red riding hood
back within the week.
Seriously, Mr. Marcus,
the supreme court has declared that anal sex
is to gay male sex
what Mozart is to classical music.
Miss Turner, we are not hereto discuss classical music.
I myself am a huge Mozart fan, but...
look, the fucking Supreme Court
has declared this material is not obscene!
In case you haven't noticed, this is not the supreme court.
We are here in customs, and I have a job to do.
Oh, just following orders, are we, asshole?
From your perspective,
that must be a compliment of Mozartian proportions.
Security! Security!
Frances, I think you should let him go.
Do we have a problem?
Bernice?
Bernice, is that you?
My God, I haven't seen you
since the womyn's music festival.
Who was that woman you were with,
the meter maid?
Julie? How is Julie?
I'm going back in there.
I don't think so.
♪ Sometimes I can't sleep ♪
♪ I can't keep all these feelings invading ♪
♪ I am rage, I am sorrow ♪
♪ And grief, all alone in my wait ♪
Uhh.
♪ Or keep my eyes closed ♪
♪ I'll be open to strife ♪
♪ To the powers that be, say never ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ I'm gonna stand up ♪
♪ and let myself become ♪
♪ stand up now ♪
♪ I got my one life ♪
♪ and what's it to amount to ♪
♪ If I don't learn how? ♪
♪ To love you ♪
♪ and love myself beside you ♪
♪ Mix the gentle and proud ♪
♪ I want a love like the vision in the winter ♪
♪ Gonna stand up... ♪
Wow.
That is a great piece.
It's a great piece of...
Art, Frances.
The ice age destroyed the dinosaurs,
so I'm commenting
on the dinosaur mentality of customs.
Ultimately, the cube melts,
and the books are liberated.
But ruined.
Liberated, but ruined.
It's conceptual.
Ooh, yes.
I love the layers of meaning.
Like a Popsicle...
there's an orange layer
and a blue layer and a pink layer.
Mm-hmm.
Now, you were going to clean up
after your conceptual
once it starts to melt, right?
Oh, yeah.
Right.
"For bright pink,
use whole dye package."
So, have you known Margaret long?
No, actually, not that long at all...
maybe about a week.
Mmm.
Seems like longer.
Yes. You two seem very close.
We are.
Actually, that's something I'd like to talk...
Margaret never really had any friends
in high school.
I mean, she was a straight-a student,
so she was always studying.
But that's why I don't understand
why she has quit university.
It's what she always wanted.
Hmm.
Have you been to university?
Art school.
Ah, art school.
I went to music school, you know.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
I used to sing...
Puccini, Verdi.
You sang opera?
I know.
I hardly seem like the prima Donna type now,
but, yes, I...
I had to give that all up, of course.
Why "of course"?
Well, because it's... it's nonsense, really.
I mean...
You know, if you can't be great,
if you can't Bethe best...
That's ridiculous.
What if it's what you really love to do?
Lila, I want to talk to you about something.
Maggie and I...
you didn't ask Maggie to quit university, did you?
No. No, no, no. I didn't.
I did want to talk to you
about her and... Well, and about me.
We're in love.
Well, that went well.
712 heritage. All right.
This must be the place.
My résumé.
I am woman.
Are you hereabout the job, dear?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Uh, ahem.
I can type120 words a minute.
I can do spreadsheets, lotus, and windows.
Oh, I... I am sorry,
but the job's been filled,
so why don't you just leave me your résumé,
and I'll get back to you if something comes up.
Are you here about the job?
That's right.
I thought there was someone else here.
No. Only me.
OK.
You know, I do windows.
Good. Good.
♪ New sound ♪
Hey, watch it.
Sorry.
I got the job.
Oh, mom,
congratulations.
Wine, my dear...
much more ladylike than beer.
And if I help the agents with sales,
they'll give me a commission on their commission.
Awesome, mom.
Mom, you rock.
Well...
I'm not the person I was going to be,
I'll tell you.
I was gonna have a career.
I was gonna have...
A wonderful, successful marriage
and 2 wonderful, successful children and...
Look at me.
And look at you.
You're looking so, I don't know,
just shabby these days.
To you, mom.
And, you know,
I'm going to betaking messages
and helping the agents
while they're selling the units
and keeping the show suite clean,
which is, you know...
I read a study,
and after the age of 40,
a woman's chances of having sex
are diminished by 80%.
Oh.
So, after 50,
God help you.
And since I probably won't be having sex again,
chocolate's the only pleasure left to me.
Kim?
Do you have a boyfriend, dear?
No, I don't.
Funny, that.
What's wrong with boys these days?
Paul?
Yes, mom.
Honey?
No. It's OK, mom.
Yeah?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
What is this god-awful music?
The thing is,
she's gonna find out sooner or later.
I know, I know. It's just...
Just give me some time.
♪ I'm in love with ♪
♪ Julie Christie ♪
♪ she makes me go misty ♪
♪ she makes me go ♪
♪ ah ♪
♪ oh, what a star ♪
♪ everybody's entitled ♪
♪ to a bit of fantasy ♪
♪ ooh wee ooh ooh ♪
♪ and how I'd love ♪
♪ to step inside the screen ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ everybody's entitled ♪
♪ to a bit of fantasy ♪
♪ well, you know that film ♪
♪ Billy liar ♪
♪ she sets my heart on fire ♪
♪ Julie Christie ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ she makes me go misty ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ she makes me go ♪
♪ ah ♪
♪ oh, what a star ♪
♪ I'm in love with ♪
♪ Julie Christie ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ she makes me go misty ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ she makes me go ♪
♪ ah ♪
♪ oh, what a star ♪
♪ Julie Christie ♪
Mom?
Oh, Margaret, I'm so sorry.
I should've rinsed out the machine
after I... I dyed my underwear, and I...
It's OK.
We'll just tell everyone we're from a cult.
Ooh.
Mom?
Margaret, whatever happened
to that boy you were dating?
Todd?
He went to Toronto
to study fashion design.
Fashion design?
Oh. Oh, like...
Fashion design.
I never liked him.
Mom...
and you still haven't explained to me
why you left school.
I hated it there.
I mean...
I might want to try something else,
like writing.
Maybe. Writing?
Margaret, there is no future in the arts.
You will need something to fall back on.
Like Michael?
I'm sorry. I am sorry, mom.
I...
Mom, just because you stopped singing opera
or whatever
doesn't mean that I have to be like you.
I'm different.
In fact, I'm very different.
I'll say you're different.
You're... look what you're wearing.
You will never get a boyfriend...
Dressed like that.
Mom? OK?
And...
I'm not very happy about that hole in your navel.
I know. I know what you need.
I brought you something.
Mr. snuggly.
Oh, baby, do you remember
when you couldn't sleep without him?
Mom, I can sleep without him just fine now, trust me.
Well...
Thanks.
Yeah.
Mommy-o?
Mommy-o, is this, like, a grateful dead thing?
Granite counters and a very cozy but spacious
breakfast nook.
And, of course, outside, the tile patio
for outdoor dining when weather's nice
with the lattice and the planting
for that illusion of privacy.
And they're all, of course, exactly like this.
We only have 6 of them.
But let me show you upstairs,
because I just know you'll love the bedroom.
I think you're right about the colors, Lila.
Well, you need intensity, Judy,
to complement your personality.
Hmm. Decorative borders?
Kind of Matisse-y.
You know,
one color combination I simply adore.
I saw it on a silk ribbon once.
It was taupe and lime.
Yummy.
Ohh. Come and seethe view.
Oh, you're gonna die.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Don't you love it?
Ohh. Uh-huh.
So, what do you do, Judy?
Um, I sing in a club.
You're a singer?
Just old standards.
Oh, how wonderful.
Well, please sing something for me.
Oh. Um...
♪ we'll find a perfect peace ♪
♪ Where joys never cease ♪
♪ somewhere ♪
♪ beneath the starry skies ♪
♪ we'll build a sweet ♪
♪ little nest ♪
♪ somewhere in the west ♪
♪ and let the rest ♪
♪ of the world ♪
♪ go by ♪
That was lovely.
Oh...
You know, I never really had any talent.
Oh, I never let that stop me.
Here we go.
Lila...
I want to ask your advice.
My advice? Me?
Love advice. Woman advice.
Well, I think you've come to the wrong place for that.
I mean, you'd have to ask me advice
on how to end up alone.
No.
Now, I'm very attracted to this...
Person,
but I'm not getting anywhere.
What's his name?
Frances.
Francis... what a lovely, old-fashioned name.
Hmm.
That's sort of the problem.
Lunge at it.
Really?
That's my new philosophy.
If you really want something,
you lunge at it.
What if it doesn't work out?
Well, in my experience,
things don't really work out anyway.
♪ I can't have ♪
♪ everything I want ♪
♪ 'cause I can't have... ♪
I give up.
How about some cocoa?
We got to go, mom.
You're going out? Margaret, it's after 10:00.
Yeah, well, in some places,
the night's just starting.
Oh.
Have a good time.
Thanks.
♪ I want someone ♪
♪ to grant my wishes ♪
♪ I want a boy ♪
♪ who'll blow me kisses ♪
♪ I want a friend ♪
Roses, roses.
Anybody want a rose?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, do you want a rose?
No.
♪ And I can't have ♪
Do you want one?
♪ Everything I want ♪
Well, actually,
I was thinking about something else.
♪ You ♪
♪ I can't have ♪
♪ everything I want ♪
Uh-uh.
You know, it's really hard having sex
when your mother is sleeping in the next room.
Mmm.
Oddly enough,
it's really hard to have sex
when you make so much noise.
Ohh...
Oh, hi.
Is this a lineup?
Yeah.
Naughty girls.
Oh, my God.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, OK, come on, honey.
Hey, hey, hey.
This is great.
Hey...
Look who I found when I came to see
if you girls wanted to play.
Looks like you've been playing already.
What, you accusing us of having sex in the bathroom?
I hear it's all the rage.
Paul, I...
Carla just gave me a ride
on her motorcycle.
Carla.
Maggie, Maggie,
I bought a condo from your mother today.
Oh, she is such a sweetheart.
And I've finally sent that invitation
to my parents.
I never thought I'd see the day.
I can't talk right now.
I am on in, like, 5 seconds.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
God...
I can't believe Carla brought Paul here.
He's only 17.
He's not even consenting age.
Looks like he's consenting to me.
Hey, everybody,
if you'd please take your seats...
our very own Judy Squires.
♪ I'm not ♪
♪ a fucking drag queen ♪
♪ I'm in another bracket ♪
♪ what you see before you ♪
♪ is not some midnight racket ♪
♪ Nothing here is padded ♪
♪ I've paid a mighty fortune ♪
♪ A few things have been added ♪
♪ And one or 2 subtractions ♪
♪ I'm not a fucking drag queen ♪
♪ I won't let you forget it ♪
♪ When you say, good day, sir ♪
♪ You stab me all the way through ♪
♪ My tender ♪
♪ trans-gender heart ♪
♪ And if you happen to be gay ♪
♪ You could show a little heart ♪
♪ And understanding ♪
♪ instead of twittering and whispering ♪
♪ And pointing Judas fingers ♪
♪ Like a bunch of cunning linguists ♪
♪ At some gender crucifixion ♪
♪ And if you think I'm such a freak ♪
♪ There's no need to cut me down ♪
♪ And put me in my place ♪
♪ you just may wanna take a look ♪
♪ At why your pants are oh, so wet ♪
♪ And your knees, like castanets ♪
♪ Are giving you away ♪
♪ I'm not ♪
♪ a fucking drag queen ♪
♪ I don't wear foot-long lashes ♪
♪ Don't wear a pound of makeup ♪
♪ Or 17 tiaras ♪
♪ I don't want your $5.00 ♪
♪ before this song is over ♪
♪ don't want your how's it going, man? ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ miss Squires will do nicely ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not a fucking drag queen ♪
♪ So please don't be so rude ♪
♪ I'll break your fucking legs, sir ♪
♪ And then I'll pirouette while ♪
♪ I mend my ♪
♪ trans-gender heart ♪
♪ can't you just say yes, dear ♪
♪ And she and her and sister ♪
♪ To my tender ♪
♪ trans-gender ♪
♪ hearrrrrt? ♪
Yeah. So good.
That was great.Really.
Family life's starting to really get weird.
Yeah, I bet they didn't teach you this is sex ed.
Well, consider me Dr. Carlaat your service.
What's with all those dildo things?
Ohh.
They used to Bea political no-no,
but now it's just a radical sex thing.
Of course,
I've always done exactly what I wanted to do.
Girls have to improvise, you know?
I like a cucumber,
but they can get really slippery.
Frances, I'm in love with you,
and I'm lunging until I get you.
This isn't a good place, time, to lunge.
I'm under a lot of pressure
with this customs thing.
I know. I'm lunging anyway.
Judy...
I have never been what you would call
"sexually adventurous."
You don't have to be. I'll take that on.
I mean, I've never had a threesome.
I've barely had twosomes.
I have had3 girlfriends,
all of whom were exactly like me.
I'm exactly like you.
I know your favorite writer is Gertrude Stein.
And I love Gertrude Stein.
And not just the readable Stein.
I was an English major.
My thesis was on Stein's
the geographical history of America.
"I think if you announce what you see..."
"Then nobody can say no."
Wow.
Would you like to...
I'd love to.
I just have Togo to the bathroom.
After you.
Oh, man. Do you have my keys?
Hop on.
Cool.
Ha ha. Whoo-hoo! You fuckin' dykes!
What an asshole!
I'll just go, um, and pay the bill.
OK.
Excuse me?
Aren't you in the wrong place...
Sir?
I don't think so.
Shouldn't you be in the men's washroom?
I mean, you are a man.
No, I'm not.
Get out.
Make me.
Are you happy now?
♪ Pure ♪
♪ you're touchin' me ♪
♪ so pure ♪
♪ you're touchin' me ♪
♪ pure ♪
♪ you're touchin' me ♪
Oh.
Let's go home.
Get out!
Stop it! Stop it!
Are you OK?
She's not a woman!
She should be in the men's washroom!
She is a woman, and she's our friend!
She is not a woman!
Yes, she is!
Now you say you're sorry.
She doesn't have to.
Say it!
I'm sorry.
Sorry, ma'am.
I...
I'm sorry...
Ma'am.
Thank you.
Here.
Hmm?
Mmmph.
Mmm.
This is a great place.
And it's very private.
D-do you really like boys?
I... I mean...
Soft centers...
Hard centers...
I like all the chocolates in the box.
Oh.
Wow.
Bite me.
Yes!
Come on in.
Thank you.
I'll take your coat.
Thank you.
Would you like some tea?
I have, um, mint dreams,
cranberry mist, lemon zip...
Decaf, organic Earl Grey.
Yes, please.
Lunge.
Frances...
Mm-hmm?
Oh.
Um...
H-here.
It's OK.
Just...
Mmm!
Um, I just...
What's wrong?
I...
I think I need a little more time.
Ohh.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
Um, OK.
I'll get your coat.
Just...
All right.
I had a really good time tonight.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Call me.
Good night.
Oh!
Batteries!
Batteries. Oh! Here.
Hurry. Here's some.
No!
Oh.
Here. Here's some.
OK. Here.
Where's the batter... ah. OK.
♪ Ahhhhh! ♪
♪ My whole life ♪
♪ I'm searching for ♪
♪ someone like you ♪
♪ to take me gently by the hand ♪
♪ And to show me what to do ♪
♪ Please ♪
♪ show me what to do ♪
♪ oh, oh, whoa, yeah ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ my whole life ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ my whole life ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ my whole life ♪
♪ it's not over ♪
♪ it's my whole life ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ ooh... ♪
Mmm.
Hmm.
Good morning, Margaret.
I made coffee.
Everybody decent?
Mom!
Um...
Oh.
Um...
I, uh...
I made some coffee.
So...
I...
I wanted to ask you about, um...
How should I put this?
About this...
About the box
that I found underneath your bed last night.
The box?
Ohh.
The box.
Y-you know, uh...
I should go.
No.
Oh, no. You should stay.
All right.
The box.
Mom, about that box...
Because I...
I was surprised that a girl your age
would need all those...
Implements, but...
mom...
They're not mine.
What?
They're not mine.
They belong to the woman that I'm subletting from.
She does these safe sex demonstrations.
Oh, my God.
Mom, did you, um...
Mom, did you?
Yes!
Yes?!
Well, and why not?
And, actually,
the experience was very, um...
Uh, liberating.
It was very liberating.
So, Margaret...
Now you tell me...
What's going on here?
What?
Well, there's something going on here that's...
I mean, are you, um...
Do you actually think you're in love?
Well?
Well...
Mom...
I'm tired of you always running my life
and criticizing me.
I... I don...
criticizing the way I look...
I... I don't run your life.
The way I dress...
Let me tell you something.
I would love to run your life, Missy.
Somebody should be running your life...
so you're admitting it?
I would do a better job.
Oh, right, you're running your own life so well.
You think because you're young,
everything's gonna work out. Well, that's not true.
You fuck up now, and you're gonna...
Me fuck up?
Fuck up your entire life!
Me fuck up?! Look at yourself!
Leave it!
Let me help!
Leave it! I'm fine!
I'm sorry!
She asked you if we were in love!
My mother doesn't need to know
everything that's going on in my life!
Well, then fuck you!
Go and get Paul.
I am not going to be sticking around.
It's not that I didn't try to help.
I have tried to help.
I have tried in every way I could.
But if that's how she feels...
♪ Just want a Cadillac ♪
♪ so that I can drive away ♪
♪ I'll head down to a California town ♪
♪ And there I'll lay... ♪
Here you go.
♪ I'll dance all night ♪ ♪ until the break of dawn ♪
Thanks.
♪ Till my sorrow is long gone ♪
♪ I bet I'll never rid myself ♪
♪ Of this place... ♪
OK, OK.
If that's the way it's going to be,
that's the way it's going to be.
And nobody...
Even...
Here. Let me get the door for you, Tony.
Hey, Judy, what do you think of this?
My sister-in-law gave it to me.
Fuck.
Oh, it's beautiful, tony.
Aw, it's a piece of garbage,
but it's better than the other one.
Hey, watch your back there, my love.
OK, put it over here.
Right here?
Come on. Here. Put it down.
What, are you stupid?
So why didn't she just tell Lila?
It doesn't matter.
It's over.
Listen to me.
Kim, if you leave now,
you will be making a hug mistake.
I mean, you two have it made.
You love each other. It's as clear as day.
And love is not that easy to come by.
Well, how about you and Frances?
Are you OK?
Not really.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
She's the one making the huge mistake.
That's for sure.
Come on, Judy. You're one in a million.
Thank you.
And what do you get?
♪ I'll funnel in a California town ♪
♪ I'll finally lay ♪ ♪ all my pain down ♪
♪ I'm clearing out of here ♪ ♪ at the break of dawn ♪
♪ And then my sorrow ♪ ♪ will be long gone ♪
♪ Will be long gone ♪
San Francisco?
That's what she said.
Oh, great.
Oh, sweetie, why didn't you just tell your mom?
I suddenly felt ashamed
I wasn't sleeping with Mr. Snuggly anymore.
What?
I gotta go to work.
No, sweetie. You stay right here.
Get yourself together. Take all the time you need.
Thank you.
Ohh, sweetie.
It's gonna be OK.
It's about time.
Clean up this mess.
Hello?
Asshole.
Ahem. Hi, Frances.
I'm sorry about the other day.
Yeah?
I came to tell you I found this.
The film classification board is coming here.
They're gonna impound your videos.
Ahem.
I stole this for you.
Shit.
They're coming here tonight.
Tonight?
They love coming at night because of the overtime.
They'll be here just before closing time.
Yeah, well...
Look, Bernice...
Thanks.
Yeah.
That's OK.
"Officers are to search the premises
"and seize any videos
which could be classified as obscene materials"?
I give up.
I mean, maybe they're right.
Look at this place.
Yeah.
It's obscene.
That's the point!
We can hide the videos.
They'll just come back for them.
Call your lawyer. Call the newspapers.
They want obscene?
Maggie...
Speak to me.
They've got it!
Aah.
Margaret and I never fight,
but all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy.
Well, don't you worry about a thing, Lila.
You and Paul can stay here as long as you like.
Oh, and then, so Paul calls
to say that he's not coming home last night.
And, you know, that's just so unlike him.
And, you know, I'm really... I'm worried sick.
I mean, what's gotten into him?
Mmm.
I'll get that, sweetheart.
Hi, uh, special delivery for Mr. Jeremy Squires.
He has to sign.
Oh. Jeremy?
I think you have the wrong address.
Oh, I'm, uh, I'm Jeremy.
Oh, I'm sorry, Judy.
I-I'm Jeremy Squires.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
You're Jeremy?
Why don't you come inside, honey?
Just come inside.
I'm Jeremy.
You're a man.
No. No, no, no.
No, not really.
Not ever.
I... I was born into a man's body,
but I've always been a woman.
And, well, after the final surgery...
I... I think I need a little drink.
Help yourself.
"Dear..."
hmmph. "Jeremy...
"Thank you for your invitation,
"but your mother and I
won't be able to visit with you."
Tsk. Oh.
"I'm sorry, but in the future,
"I think it's...
Best..."
What is it?
Um...
My father's lawyer...
Will be in touch with you
about the sale.
So they're not gonna come?
But...
Well, they bought you this place.
Yes, well, apparently,
this place is a...
A "get lost" contract.
Well...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
You know, I'm...
I'm feeling a kind of...
Of rage.
A nasty kind of...
Bubbling up kind...
Of a rage.
Thank you.
I'm too old for this.
No...
You are not too old.
You are pissed off.
See...
Rage gets trapped...
In the body...
And...
It can make you feel old
and tired.
That's why you have to let it out.
Oh.
Like this.
Aah!
Aah! Don... aah.
Ohh.
♪ Gonna stand up ♪
♪ and let myself be counted for ♪
♪ Stand up now ♪
♪ I got but one life ♪
♪ and what's it to amount to ♪
♪ If I don't learn how ♪
Lila! Lila! Lila! Lila!
No! I can't!
Come on, come on.
Yes, you can.
And remember... scream.
Let it out. Let it out.
Lila! Lila!
Here... We... Go!
Aah! Oh!
Oh! Ha ha!
Aah!
Oh, my God!
Here. Here we go.
1, 2, 3!
Aah!
Tony, this seizure thing...
Maggie, come on!
What is she gonna do, stay like this all night?
...this together.
I'm gonna call the press.
I'm gonna call my lawyer.
I gotta go lock up.
I gotta get changed.
I'll be right back, OK?
Just stay where you are.
Because we are the goddesses...
And what we need, we take.
Come on.
I want Frances to hear this.
Yes, but we can't go over like this.
Oh.
Makeover! Makeover!
I'll just call the television stations.
No, no. No, the newspapers.
Hi, it's Frances. Talk now.
Hi, Frances?
It's Kim.
Um...
I can't find Maggie anywhere.
Or Lila.
Where is everyone?
Oh, forget it.
If you get this message,
can you just tell Maggie that I called?
Thanks.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, Dyke!
Hey, hey, baby!
I know what she needs.
Whoo! Whoo!
Come on, man. We're late.
Forget it. Fuck.
I'm going from Shannon
to Dublin
to London
to Botswana.
Ohh! Oh, honey.
Uhh.Whoopsie.
Ohh.
Oh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
No.
No, we must go and find this Francis.
Ohh.
Oh.
In my hair? Just a little.
Oh, my God.
Are you OK?
Yeah. Oh, God, I feel much better. Ohh.
Come on, lesbo!
Don't you want to play with me, huh?!
Shh. Shh shh shh.
I've got 8 inches from hell here for you, baby.
Oh, my God, that looks like Margaret.
It is.
Do what the man says.
Get away from my daughter, you...
Get away from her!
You stupid...
All right!
Come on, guys, get lost.
Yeah, get out of here!
Fuck you!
Aah! Judy!
God. Oh, Judy.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Oh, my God!
Dyke!
Thank you.
Margaret!
Open the door, Margaret.
What are you doing in there?
You've got no clothes on.
No, please open the door!
Mar... come on, Margaret, open the goddamn door!
No! Wait! Wait!
You're gonna break in?
If I have to.
OK.
I am not taking sides.
Fine.
Oh, my God, Maggie, please.
Sweetheart, please.
Come down out of the window. Maggie, please.
I need a coffee.
Maggie, come on.
We're closed.
You want one?
Why are you doing this?
I think I saw a light on over in Tony's.
This is about Kim, isn't it?
You think I don't know anything...
About life, about love?
Well, let me tell you something.
I was in love once...
Completely.
And his name was Otis.
Otis?
Yes, and he was a backup singer for Wayne Newton.
Yoo-hoo! Tony!
You got to put something on.
Oh, Maggie, he was so...
he had this little black mustache and this...
yeah, OK, Judy, you want some coffee,
you're gonna have to make it yourself, all right?
Thank you, Tony.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey, listen, I called my lawyer, you know.
Yeah. I told Frances I would, and I did.
Damn this thing.
It doesn't fit.
I thought I loved your father.
I mean, we'd been married for 2 years.
I was pregnant with you, but...
mother!
Then I met Otis, and I...
Oh, my God.
Light it first.
It's not a fuckin' hammer.
Light the fuckin' thing. Come on, baby, let's go!
Hey!
Ah, yeah!
Fuckin' dykes!
Aah!
Burn, baby! Burn!
Go, go! Go!
Shit!
Mom?
Mom, where are you?
Mom?
Maggie!
Mom!
Mom! Maggie!
Mom!
Oh, honey. Mom!
Oh, sweetheart.
Are you OK?
I'm OK, mom. Are you OK?
Oh, baby. Oh...
Ohh.
Wait a second.
Who's this?
Oh, my God. Tony!
It's my sister-in-law's
stupid fucking oven.
Ohh!
Where is Judy?
Wait.
Judy? Judy?
Oh, look at this.
My store blows up
and nobody even comes to see me.
It's broken. Fuck.
Judy!
Lila. Lila.
Oh, there you are!
Oh, Maggie! Oh, my God, are you OK?
Lila, I got the license plate number.
We have to call the police.
Good.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Frances! Frances, wait!
We need to call the police. I got the license plate number.
I called the police. I called the police.
And you know, are you all right?
That's Frances?
Judy...
Hmm?
I love you.
Mmm!
Mmm.
Thank God.
♪ Your love ♪
♪ is better than ice cream ♪
You go on now, go on.
♪ Better than anything ♪ ♪ else that I've tried ♪
Careful, Maggie. Watch the traffic.
♪ Is better than ice cream ♪
♪ everyone here knows how to fight ♪
♪ It's a long way down ♪
♪ it's a long way down ♪
So... Are you a Dyke, too?
No, no, no, no.
Here. Have a drink.
♪ Your love ♪
♪ is better than chocolate ♪
♪ better than anything ♪ ♪ else that I've tried ♪
♪ Oh, love ♪
♪ is better than chocolate ♪
♪ everyone here knows how to cry ♪
♪ It's a long way down ♪
♪ it's a long way down ♪
♪ to the place where ♪ ♪ we started from ♪
Yeah, shake it, mama! Whoo!
Whoa! Whoo!
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ You been watching me ♪
♪ all night ♪
♪ even though I know ♪ ♪ it's not right ♪
♪ I walked out with ♪ ♪ my tail in the air ♪
♪ Turned around just ♪ ♪ to see who'd stare ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ tonight you wannabe ♪ ♪ with me, yeah ♪
♪ From the bar, I'll ♪ ♪ blow you a kiss ♪
♪ Impossible for you to resist ♪
♪ You really wish you ♪ ♪ could take me home ♪
♪ Boy, you're going home alone ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ tonight you wannabe ♪ ♪ with me, yeah ♪
♪ Buy the drinks and talk to me ♪
♪ I'll drive you ♪ ♪ crazy, wait and see ♪
♪ I'll tease you till you ♪ ♪ think you'll explode ♪
♪ You have to go home ♪ ♪ to blow your load ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ tonight you wannabe ♪ ♪ with me, yeah ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ tonight you're gonna dream of me ♪
♪ I could take a trip ♪
♪ get away from this place ♪
♪ but I'm stuck like glue to you ♪
♪ I wish I could die ♪
♪ and finish this lie, but I won't ♪
♪ 'Cause I know that it ♪ ♪ may cause hurt to you ♪
♪ Flying in a plane ♪
♪ on a Friday afternoon ♪
♪ would be a thrill ♪
♪ making history ♪
♪ in the world today ♪
♪ by sculpting someone ♪
♪ oh, lazy, let it slip away ♪
♪ And if I took a trip ♪ ♪ to the north horizon ♪
♪ The weather would change ♪
♪ the freedom is in ♪ ♪ the one vacation ♪
♪ That's living today ♪
♪ only I don't know ♪
♪ if I can build rocket ships ♪
♪ With my hands and with my mind ♪
♪ But dreams don't ever die ♪
♪ They cower and hide ♪ ♪ and they manifest ♪
♪ And grow deeper inside ♪
♪ alone, I wonder why ♪
♪ should I save my soul ♪
♪ in a future dream of eternity ♪
♪ When life is to spend ♪
♪ and despite the trends ♪
♪ I'd rather be a fighter ♪ ♪ for livin' free ♪
♪ And if I took a trip ♪ ♪ to the north horizon ♪
♪ The weather would change ♪
♪ the freedom is in ♪ ♪ the one vacation ♪
♪ That's living today ♪
♪ da da Dada da da ♪
♪ Da da Dada da da ♪
♪ Da ♪
♪ after all the pain ♪
♪ and the tears subside ♪
♪ I find that there's ♪ ♪ still love inside ♪
♪ And I want you back... ♪